Sheldon is an ass man
by treblegirl1
Summary: The gang is sittng around eating Thai Food and telling jokes when Penny discovers something about Sheldon...Now they must listen as Leonard tells the story of Sheldon and his ass fetish. Involves: Humor, telescopes, and a possible SHENNY
1. Chapter 1

**Well this is my first Big Bang Theory Fanfic and it was inspired by me watching the unaired episode where it was revealed that Sheldon was an ass man and has dirty magazines in his mattress...so review plz btw this is in season 1 and 2 so no Amy or other later characters**

It was Thai night and everyone was in their standard designations. Penny was on the armchair, Leonard was on another chair, Raj and Howard were on the couch and Sheldon was in his spot. As always. There was playful banter about. Well as playful as it can get with a room full of nerds and a Penny.

After sheldon pestered Leonard about how his chicken being adequately prepared the guys proceeded to tell jokes.

Wolowitz was next after recanting Raj's disturbing joke about Harem pants and milking cats.

"So a plane is about to crash and a lady jumps up starts shedding her clothes and says 'If I'm going to die I wanna die feeling like a woman. Is there anyone on this plane that is man enough to make me feel like a woman'. So then a man stands up and takes off his shirt and says 'here iron this'.

"Howard that joke is mean and not to mention misogynistic."

Penny nods affirmatively.

Raj whispers in Howard's ear.

"See, Leonard. Raj thinks it funny and he's practically half woman. No offense."

Sheldon turns slightly in his seat and looks excited.

"Ooh. I want to tell a joke next. I promise this proceeding humorous recreational activity will... what do they say..Knock your socks off."

Raj whispers in Howard's ear.

"No one cares that you're not wearing socks."

Sheldon looks expectantly at them.

"Are you all ready?"

Penny slouches in her chair a little. "As ready as I'll ever be when_ The Great Sheldon _speaks."

Sheldon turns and half smiles at her.

"You know for a freeloader with a dead beat job and the I.Q. of a person from an extinct human race you are really sharp."

Leonard looks at him disbelievingly.

"Sheldon. Do I need another sarcasm sign." Sheldon looks sheepish and looks away.

"Anyway. Here's my joke... and I will, using a more colloquial phrase, _dumb it down _and tell a more facile joke...Okay," Sheldon, at this point started whispering," What is the name of the first electricity detective," they all looked around and no one answered Sheldon let out a little giggle," Sherlock Ohms."

They all looked around blankly except Raj who giggled just a little bit.

"Sheldon keep your day job," Penny said.

They all chuckled collectively.

"Well that's just fine. I have a collectively ample amount of jokes in my joke arsenal sufficient enough for more priveleged minds. I went to a Physicists ball three weeks ago and I was a hoot. One gentlemen even went so far as to say that I was so amusing he almost relieved his bowels."

Leonard looked skeptical. " A Physicists Ball? There is no Physicists ball Sheldon. Anywhere."

"Well there are apparently, since I attended one, although that could have been me from another dimension, but I doubt that since I am the smartest Sheldon and also have memory of being there."

Penny looked confused. "Why would you being the smartest matter?"

Sheldon looked at her pointedly. She took the hint.

Leonard continued his interrogation.

"Where was this _Ball_?"

"It was across the street from the comic book store where Penny dropped me off."

"What day was that?"

"Monday the 14th of November 2011, three weeks or 30,240 minutes ago." Sheldon looks at his watch.

"Oops. 30,241 minutes ago."

Leonard saw that this was going nowhere and decided not to beat around the bush any longer.

"Sheldon that was not a ball that was a club."

"Yes a club. Like a physicists club."

Howard interjected, " Oh gosh just let him think he went to a nerd ball instead of a club full of horny gay beef patties dressed up as doctors feeling him up and getting turned on by him _talking nerdy_ to them."

"What? No such thing. They were laughing at my jokes because they were funny not because they were 'beef patties' and no one was 'feeling me up' the place was just so crowded that everyone had to squeeze to get through...and...and..."

Sheldon gets up and runs to his room and screams something about dissinfecting everything three weeks old.

They're all laughing hysterically at the expense of Sheldon's naivety.

"Wow when I first moved in here I never would have believed I was living next to two children."

"Hey I'm not a child," Leonard defended.

"Yeah you are, but don't worry Sheldon's a bigger child than you."

Raj whispered in Howard's ear.

"No one cares if you have another joke."

Raj looked downtrodden.

Penny stands up and stretches in weird positions.

"Penny what are you doing?"

"I'm stretching Leonard."

"Why?"

Howard had inclined his head as Penny moved down to touch her toes and the back of her body was facing the hallway that led to the boy's bedroom.

"Hey don't question it. Worship it."

"I like to stretch after I eat it makes me feel less slushy and slouchy."

"Oh I understand."

Penny conntinued stretching and didn't look up as she spoke.

"What the hell is that supposed to mean?"

Leonard looked as if he didn't want to answer. Then everyone heard a sharp intake of breath from the hallway and looked to see Sheldon standing there with his mouth opened a little as he tried not to look at Penny's rear in the air. He snapped out of it and walked over and sat at his spot. Everyone was quiet. Penny was still stretching then she looked up and sighed.

"Sheldon do you have some sort of typical sheldon problem with me stretching? Is stretching considered Death Con 5," she mocked.

He looked at her and said, " Penny I have no problem with you participating in some sort of unfamilar mating call induced by stretching with your heiney in the air and for your information _Def_ Con five is not dangerous at all. It is like getting a paper cut whereas Def Con one is like getting caught in a bloody human shredder."

Penny looks blankly at Sheldon.

"Whatever."

Sheldon goes back into his room and quietly closes the door.

Penny goes to sit down. Sheldon yells from his room ' Get out of my spot.'

"Damn his vulcan senses." Penny moves to the chair and plops down.

Penny sighs exasperatedly. "I'm so confused what the hell is wrong with sheldon?"

Leonard and Howard are both grinning mischievously.

"What? Why are you two grinning so creepily."

Leonard eventually says, "Because Sheldon is an ass man Penny."

**Well I will leave this as a one-shot unless anyone requests another chapter when Penny confronts Sheldon about her ass. Wow that sounds weird. I have a great idea for the next chapter. Please review or I won't know if anyone liked it or wants another. Also I don't know if I portrayed the characters accurately but I will get better with time I guess and writng Sheldon is very hard you have to be random and consistent. As Sheldon would say "What a paradox!"**


	2. Chapter 2

**Well I'm back with another chapter as requested...Let me take a moment to respond to some of the reviews I received...**

**niafadra: Thanks for the review sweetie... and I saw the video on the internet I'm sure if you just type in to google The Big Bang Theory unaired pilot it will come up I'm pretty sure it was never broadcasted on the network but if you look at it they went a completely different way with the characters Sheldon is not as asexual...Thanks again**

**Skyrie-Chan: Thanks for the review but don't worry I left it that way on purpose and your question will get answered in this Chapter...Thanks for the review honey**

**Riotstarter1214: I haven't wrote a lemon yet but it may be possible in this story I'm not sure yet we'll see oh and I read your story because you asked and I left you a review ;)**

**Clint bolr: Thanks for the review and I will **

**Now let's get on with the Chapter...These following chapters (after this one) will probably be longer like some of my other stories..So anyways... I don't own The Big Bang Theory **

Leonard, Howard and Raj were sitting on the floor telling stories about the hilarious events that happened before Penny moved into this building. It was now 7:40 and Sheldon had retired to his room an hour ago...

Leonard was telling a humorous story about how Wolowitz had gotten his foot stuck in a toilet with his favorite leather pants on while the girl who was there with him (doing god knows what) was laughing and taking pictures. They were on facebook in the next hour. Apparently he cheated on her with her mother. Gross.

Penny couldn't stop thinking about Sheldon though. What had they meant he was an ass man? How did they know? Sheldon is not the type of person to go around saying things like that. He is also not the type of person to go around leering at women's asses.

"Hey Leonard?"

Leonard turned towards Penny and the other guys quieted down to hear what she had to say.

"Yeah Penny?" Penny's eyebrows creased as she thought about what she was going to say.

"How did you guys know that 'Sheldon is an ass man' for sure?"

The guys all smirked at each other.

"Leonard. Why don't you tell Penny the story of Sheldon and the big butt nurse?" Howard laughed a little creepily.

"I don't know guys. I don't want to hear Sheldon complaining about us 'ruining his reputation'."

"Come on Leonard I want to know." Penny just had to know about this one little instance where Sheldon acted like an actual human and not some spazzy robot.

Leonard sighed, "Okay, Penny but if he asks...Howard told you." He said the end really quickly.

Howard looked at Penny and shrugged. "I don't care. I'm not scared of _Sheldon_."

Leonard raised his eyebrow as if to say really.

Howard wore a panicked expression on his face. He blurted out, "Raj told Penny!"

Everyone looked at him like he was an idiot. Raj simply smirked probably because if Sheldon found out about this, there is no way he could be implicated simply because of his inability to talk to women.

Leonard rolled his eyes and said, "Fine I'll tell you Penny... but it never leaves this room."

Leonard tried to put on his stern face but he just looked constipated as usual.

"Many years ago before you moved here...

(Past Time)

Sheldon was sitting on the couch watching Dr. Who just... waiting. He was bouncing up and down in his seat and he looked like a vibrating robot ready to blow up. His unfaltering,straight ahead gaze and his straight posture despite his rapid movements is what had Leonard pausing when he reached the living room.

Leonard rolled his eyes and he knew he shouldn't ask but he knew he would find out eventually.

"Sheldon? Is something wrong?" Sheldon continued to move in that peculiar way.

"I'm fine Leonard. If you are referring to my apparent enthusiasm then if you must know it is because of the package I will be receiving soon. Yippee." Package? Yippee? The fact that Sheldon said _yippee_, a phrase used a lot in Texas, in an albeit flat voice should have alarmed Leonard that his friend was more than just enthusiastic.

"Okay." Leonard said in a slow, disbelieving voice.

While Leonard walked into the kitchen to get coffee the doorbell rang.

Sheldon hurriedly rushed to the door like a little kid and was practically salivating at the mouth. Leonard grew curious as to what Sheldon ordered that made him so excited. He heard Sheldon pestering the doorman with questions.

"Did you jostle the box? Did you endeavor to discover what's in the box and open it and peek at its contents? Did you-"

The deliveryman who stood in his blue uniform looked annoyed and just said, " Please sign for the package Mr. Cooper. Everytime I deliver a package I have to deal with this nut." He muttered the last part under his breath.

Sheldon didn't seem overly concerned and started signing the paper.

"Well alright I'll sign the paper and for your own information it is Dr. Cooper."

The man started to bring the package in. It was about three feet tall and one and a half feet wide.

"Okay then. Good Riddance Dr. Pooper."

Sheldon glared a little at the retreating man and locked and closed the door.

"And people wonder why jobs in the service industry don't get any respect."

"Sheldon? What the hell is that?"

Sheldon smiled just a little.

"This," he gestured dramatically towards the box ," is the Neidenheimerson 4500 Telescope it has a maximized light transmission, setting circles and slow motion controls to accurately track objects in the sky with a 30 mm eyepiece, an adjustable tripod mount and for my lack of innateness with tools an easy setup."

Leonard looked blankly at Sheldon.

"I thought you hated astronomy Sheldon."

"Yes, I do. What rubbish it is indeed, but last week I had an encounter with James Pollack in the Astronomy department and he made the notion that my endeavor to win a Nobel Prize for my work in String Theory was fruitless and I should give up in my pursuit and I told him something of similar nature regarding the hokum that is astronomical work. Long story short I am going to discover something those astronomy quacks would consider, what do the urban youth say nowadays? Oh right...'The Bomb'."

Sheldon started to unpack the box and set the telescope up.

"Sheldon it is morning surely you can't be vain enough to think that even you can find something amazing while the sun is out."

Leonard was on his third cup of coffee since he woke up and figured that he would need it in order to deal with his psychotic roommate.

"Of course not Leonard. I am just setting the telescope in the optimum position so that it is ready for tonight when I do discover something _amazing_." Sheldon continued to absentmindedly adjust the telescope.

Leonard shook his head and headed back to his room.

(Present time)

Penny, Leonard, Raj and Howard were still sitting around listening to the story about Sheldon. Although the boys seemed to be into the story, Penny looked confused.

"I'm confused how does this lead to you finding out about the ass thing?"

"I'm not finished the story."

"Well you should finish it. I can't wait until we get to the asses part."

Howard looked amused.

"Hey someone should sing Baby got back to all know the song_. I like big butts and I cannot lie all you other brothers can't deny when a girl walks by with an itty bitty waist and a round thing in your face you get sprung_..."

Penny looks blankly at him, Raj is laughing (silently of course) and Leonard looks surprisingly amused.

"That would be interesting to see. When he comes in we can play the Sir-mix-A-lot video and ask him 'meaningful' questions." Howard and Raj shook their head enthusiastically.

"Hey Leonard you're onto something. We should ask him if Spock likes big butts."

"Hey Leonard let's get back to the story." Penny said this quite sarcastically and eagerly, Leonard thought. Perhaps too eagerly.

"Oh. Okay. Anyways we returned home that night after I brought Sheldon to the Comic Book store..."

**Well I know that was not the whole story but I promise to make it double the length next time as I have lots of essays to write as of now...Being a Senior is very hard... Next week I have extra days off so I should have enough time to write the chapter anyways review... Next Chapter will be the rest of the story about Sheldon and the big butt nurse, confronting Sheldon, pranking Sheldon and Sheldon putting moves on someone...It's not what you think but I assure you hilarity ensues...Review Review Review**


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